Whose Script Is This Anyway?

I'm in the wings about to go onstage. My part is insignificant yet if I forget it the whole play falls apart. I frantically check my one line.

"I don't think I ever believe something I can't see," I am supposed to say.

The line makes no sense to me yet I am putting so much effort into quoting it correctly.

Invasion Of Privacy

The ice creams at the New York stall are big and heavy and expensive. The androgynous saleswoman asks to see my cell phone and scrolls through my internet contacts and visits. Her eyebrows raise at a couple of them- "There are some surprises here," she says, " the best place for you is the old art cinema in Berlin - the Berlinerkino." 

Mother Fist

I am woken by someone gently knocking at the door.  A woman in her late 50's enters with a one year old boy.  I climb out of bed and the child grasps my hands. Except this child is so deformed that his whole body is in the form of one big hand. And what a grip he has on me! He holds so tightly! I try to hide my revulsion. 

"You will have problems with that grip as he gets older," I say to the woman, "he is only One and already he is unmanageable."  Heavy medication will be the inevitable solution, I think to myself.

A Lost Cause

Charlie, a young male student and I are visiting a huge college.  The student is considering applying to study here. Although he has no appointment, he wants to speak directly to the Head, so we follow the arrows to his office. The corridors become more complex, stairs leading up one moment and down the next. Now there are no more clear directions but the naive student marches on regardless.  I find myself lagging behind doubting the whole exercise.

A Moral Choice

From my window I can see a young man driving a digger through awkward country tracks. An accident happens. I signal that I will bring down my first aid kit but by the time I arrive his hand is bandaged.

The digger is a right off.  What should he do?

I think for a moment and say, if you do a runner you will always worry that you will get caught. He decides to stay.

Eventually his boss turns up in a tiny tractor- a friendly old boy who acknowledges how difficult it is to manoever around these lanes. 

Stupid Game

I have come to meet Penny who is down on the beach. The Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, is playing golf high up on the cliff edge.  He looks very in shape - strong freckled back and tight shorts over rugby player thighs.  I want to avoid him, but inevitably the ball gets hit over the ridge.

"Can you throw us the ball back, Penny?" he shouts down. I'm impressed he knows her name. She tosses it badly so that it lands by my feet. I notice it is old and cracked. I can't go on hiding now- he's bound to see me. I step out to chuck it back although I hate throwing balls because I am so crap at it.  

"If you don't mind my saying, Prime Minister," I comment, "playing golf on the edge of a cliff seems a little bit stupid."

Water Carriers

A narrow street. A man walks towards me carrying a glass box of water on his shoulder.  Another man carries more water in the opposite direction.

The Head And The Hand

A mundane scene. In the far corner of a classroom N is sitting at a desk. His face is completely covered by a canvas mask. On his right hand is a canvas puppet. Silent and spooky. It is impossible to focus on both the head and the hand at the same time.  Even though I know exactly how it is operated, it is the handpuppet whose message intrigues me.

A Homosexual's Self Confidence

I have let myself into N's flat and am luxuriating in a hot bath. I hear him at the front door. Do I have to get out to let him in? No he has his own set of keys. 

I knew I would not have to move, that I was in the right and the world would bend to fit around me. 

I have an image of layers of true stories I have told throughout my life - these are a real part of me and cannot be denied by any bonkers religion.

BACK AGAIN

SORRY I haven't posted anything for a long while.  The dreamdiary in Ireland came to a close and I needed a break and thereafter was preoccupied working on Duckie's GAYSHAME. 

Read some quote from TS Lawrence about not living your life in the dusty recesses of your nightly dreams but acting out your dreams in your daily life. Sometimes I wonder whether I am hiding away from life by getting so absorbed in my dreamlife but it seems to come out into the light of day quite enough and a blog is as good as any to get that process started.

Got a few ideas for a fresh start here - it will take a while to get things organised and meanwhile I think I might just start reposting dreams as a gentle way back into this peculiar world.

TV Liberty

A stamp on the 10th of January in my diary. All the extras in Coronation Street gather in an aerial shot of the street singing the US national anthem. The telly is really pushing home this liberty/land of the free theme at the moment.

No Dream Recalled

Nothing recalled.

Fragment Of Song

A French boy tries to recall a very sweet song- something like- "Je ne reste..." (...I am not staying...or I can't rest/stay)

Psychedelic Trip

We are divided into groups for our sex training programme. The seats are arranged like an IMAX cinema. The lights go off and we feel like we are moving. People scream but I am familiar with this so am not alarmed. Our seats turn upside down- it's fantastically realistic to the point where I start to feel a little on edge. Out of the darkness a full moon appears. As it gets brighter it turns into an image from one of my drawings - how have they done that I wonder? The picture is like a willow pattern but blown up large. Then this turns 3D sprouting white geometric paper shoots until my whole area of vision is filled. The effect is amazing- almost scarey but I am not afraid.

We Miss The Bus In Malta

I am in -it could be - Malta with a young male friend who is vaguely familiar. We have missed our bus and so are taking a different route on the 38. There are no buses from this small village. The friend pops into a little Italian cafe. Is he asking for transport advice I wonder but no he is speaking in fluent Italian asking for Dorritos (of course he is half Italian himself). I can't quite remember what they are but end up asking for them as well.

Hectoring Professor

I am with a group of about 10 people involved in something similar to Desert Island Discs. If there were only 5 foods left in the world which would we each choose to survive on? Similarly which 5 books would we keep? A bearded professor chooses 5 unfamiliar spices from the Middle East. He thought he should be experimental. His books are all chosen from non-Western sources. He challenges one student (a smug devout Christian from my college days) on all his choices. I am slightly suspicious of this professor as he seems to be goading the others to alter their decisions. I am excluded from his hectoring due to my safe (and cowardly) choice to include the Qur'an in my otherwise Western selection.

Slave Shits Gold

A boy has been captured and a gold collar placed round his neck impossible to remove. He has become a slave to someone reminiscent of Putin. Now when he shits it turns to gold - the slave owner is rich.

Andy Warhol For London President

Andy Warhol has expressed an interest in standing as the new London President. The Labour leader has said she would immediately put him in position if she were in power and the Liberal Democrats have also agreed. It's such an exciting thought. I look back over reels of footage showing Andy's amazing imagination at work. I wonder if maybe people would come to love him, but in my heart I know that his effeminacy would enrage too many and he would never last.

Gloomy Ice Restaurant

Kat and I walk into an ice restaurant. The interior is disappointing. A couple of people sit dejectedly at side tables. Bare chipboard walls are exposed by gaps in between the sparse patches of ice.

Monster In My Pond

In my garden pond I notice what looks like a giant toad about 2 foot wide. It can hardly move- the pond just about accommodates its size. As I look closer I see there is an even bigger monster opposite it - a huge slimey octopus with three extra extensions on each of its eight tentacles. It rises up and lurches towards the toad. The most horrific battle ensues. What am I going to do with this thing??? I can hardly fish it out. Euurghhh! I feel sick...

Happy new year gentle reader!

When Is A Monologue A Dialogue?

I am in a hotel room with the artist twins Jane and Louise Wilson. They are showing me their work- a dialogue in photos, collage and video- but which relates to all kinds of subject matter beyond themselves. It is both intensely personal and universal. My own little drawings pale into insignificance.
"I just feel like I am creating a series of monologues. I wish I were a twin like you."
They laugh because it is obviously not easy being a twin like them- it is fraught with little jealousies. "Yes I know that's nonsense," I add, "we are all capable of dialogues within and beyond ourselves." One jumps on top of me - she is now a curvaceous black woman- she hugs me suggesting we go for a drink. I go to hug the other thinking I should but she shrugs me off, "You don't have to treat us both the same. We are two separate people."

A Legitimate Emergency

I am travelling on the tube. A friend jumps on carrying bundles of shopping, "I'm getting out at the next stop for the music shop," he tells me. The shop looks exciting but my friend accidently leaves his shopping behind. As the train departs I mime to him that I will get out at the following stop. Not sure he has understood. There is a huge bag of apples, a sack of other fruit, loads of paperwork and some body building powders. I only manage to drag half of it off. Will I have to pull the emergency cord? Is this a legitimate emergency? It seems so to me but I am not sure the authorities would agree.

Too Perfect Town

For two months I will stay here in New Jersey visiting some friends in a beautiful house on stilts. Half of it is empty, the windows without glass. Out of one window I can see the rest of the town - unusual buildings with second floors that seem to hover in the air. They are in fact fixed by metal brackets to a huge white wall surrounding everything. I like the design - the rest of the town I am unsure of - everything seems too perfect.

Swimming Pool Of Mud

The weather is mild. I am walking in a muddy field I think in Balham except there is no housing. In front is an old swimming pool- outdoor- or at least it is now. A man walks down into it on steps concealed by the thick mud. I follow him. The pool seems too shallow to swim in. I am not sure I want to get in. I climb back out again.

I Lose My Notes (Again)

I am expected to deliver a speech on An End To Nuclear Weapons to the audience in a club. The speakers before me were scarcely able to put two words together. The old chairman is doing his best but the night is a shambles. I tell him I will speak next, "Give me five minutes to sort out my notes." Of course I don't have my notes, so I panic. Although I have given this talk before I can't remember anything. I have pictures but what do they represent? I decide I can't give the talk so I hide under the floorboards. I tell one of my old schoolfriends I am going to sneak out.

Just Not Funny

A friend's new cabaret show is a list of awful gags that are not funny at all. He endlessly repeats (the late) H.R.H.Regina Fong's impression of Cilla Black, milking it dry. The small audience however seem to enjoy it to the extent that one boy works with him to refilm "Tarzan and the Ape". In this version a rabbit is perched on Tarzan's shoulder twitching its nose.

Delicate Drawings

Is this the West Ham Unit? I ask Alice. We have been divided into three groups and I am reluctant to join any other. Yes I am in the right unit. I am thrilled. The room is full of students' exquisite work. Big glass cases display hundreds of identical objects in compartments like a sweet shop display or an old fashioned builders merchants. My favourites are delicate drawings like kaleidoscopic spiders' webs. I want my work to be as detailed and fine- I wonder if I can manage it in the time.

No Dream Recalled

Nothing remembered.

Film Of Reagan's Assassination

John Maybury is showing some of his old films. This one shows an early clip of him interviewing Ronald Reagan after a scene where Reagan is shot. John F. Kennedy and I quickly wipe away the blood from the pavement for decency's sake. Throughout the interview John is charming almost like he is a good friend. He addresses the camera directly using exaggerated gestures. As he watches the footage with me he tells me he feels a bit uncomfortable about it now.

Home Is Where The Heart Is

I find out that my home is built on a vast net of wellington boots, camouflaged to appear like a craggy cliff. My partner lives here with me in the middle of a landfill site by the sea - he is a hybrid conjured up from (long dead) Kev and a couple of other unrequited loves. He munches on a chocolate donut made from wellies. Parallel to us hangs another fake cliff. This is all we can afford. I know we should move - it's all far too precarious. Having said that, we have made this our home and it's the best we could improvise from what is an imperfect situation.

6 Ways To Tell A Story When You Are Away

I remember nothing of this dream but wrote the following in my notebook in the middle of the night:
6 Ways To Tell A Story When You Are Away
1 Straightforward Tale
2...
3 As a meal
4 Accident

Silent Talk

In a chaotic courtroom resembling something by Hogarth, I am to take part in a conference with three other artists. The main speaker and my old college tutor stand half way up the stairs trying to make themselves heard above the jazz blasting out of the sound system. I raise my hand, "This is an obvious point," I say, "but wouldn't it be better if the music were turned off?" The DJ kids are indignant- it is there to create an informal atmosphere. But they do as they are bid, and now the speaker can be heard clearly.
Except he stands and says nothing. He is not tonguetied. His "talk" is about listening to the silence.

Electric Orchard

In an orchard the apples are ricocheting off the trees at every angle, bouncing off any surface like charged atoms.

Garden Arch

An archway covered with brightly coloured flowers frames a distant garden.

Sabotage

My head teacher has gone out of his way to arrange an early interview for me. This will practically guarantee me a college place. I have agreed to go with an old schoolfriend and M, one of my learning disabled students. M doesn't turn up so I go round to his house aware that we are losing time. I phone him telling him that it's getting late. When he eventually answers, he moans, "Oh what's the point, we won't get in anyway - its' such a stupid system. We'll never get an interview." I am furious, "You have made me late and now you're not even coming!" I can hear his mum in the background- "Is that Robin? Wish him a happy birthday..."

Decline Of The Jackson 5

The Ricki Lake Show is being held in a vast arena. Next on are the Jackson 5. They storm into the space on motorbikes, slick and aggressive, initially making out they were too good to appear on the show. They enter again but this time from the ceiling as fluffy toy spiders. When we see them in closeup they are all white and middleaged- a bit like the Wurzels - gulping down beer (or is it tea?) from their pint glasses.

Special Access

I have to get one of my special needs clients up to the top floor of a castle to complete this exercise. The way up is through the stone fireplace but I know he will panic and besides he's far too big to fit through. I complain about the lack of access stating that it is akin to banning him from joining in. The castle keeper takes me upstairs and lifts up two trap doors cut into the wooden floor. "He can come up in the lift," he tells me.

Early Spring Flowers

Something about counting ducks... I am flying around a winter park about two foot above ground level. There are jonquils in the flower beds.

Nothing Remembered

Can't remember any of last night's dreams.

When Is A Prophesy Not A Prophesy?

A group of boys about 13 years old. A field in summer. We focus on one boy (let's call him X) and his slightly older brother who are about to join the others. X is diffident, unwilling to play ball. One mysterious boy keeps beckoning to him but there is an inevitability about X's moves. His brother knows that at some time in the future he will kick a FOOTBALL and it will permanently damage X. X makes to move towards the ball, the brother kicks it and it bounces off X's head causing him to lose the sight in one eye. The brother decides this has nothing to do with the premonition because it is the wrong kind of ball.

The New Neighbour

A handsome man has moved into the downstairs flat- he's a film producer I think. D, a pushy acquaintance from my past, and another overbearing friend start to monopolise his time. There is major competition for this man's attention - I don't have a leg to stand on. After I have been sent off to collect something unimportant I find D in the newcomer's place. I lie to him and tell him that the newcomer and I had become very intimate.

Trusty Sheepdog

I have just been to an acquaintance's party where I was barely acknowledged by the hostess. As I walk away barefoot along a dusty shit strewn path a scruffy old sheepdog joins me. She's friendly and defends me from other dogs. A boy joins me. I tell him I think I'll keep this dog, I like her company, despite the fact she is a bit daft. I feel good about that decision.
"But you could always take her," I say to the boy who seems lonely.

Metal Jug

A large grey metal jug stands on the windowsill. It has no handle. Around the spout is a rough seam. There is the sense of another smaller vessel below out of sight.

Julie Goodyear's Hairy Bodice

Julie Goodyear-aka Bet Lynch from Coronation Street - is having a birthday party. A friend who shares the council house with her is putting together the extensive guest list. Julie is wearing a bodice made of blond hair to match her own coif. "So I will look naked on top," she explains. I keep stumm but think it looks a bit odd - like she's got a hairy chest. My friend is fed up with the whole thing. "You are coming aren't you?" he asks me anxiously, "you must come. We've just had a terrible row and she's going to be ghastly. You know what she's like..."

New House

Sarah and I have decided to sell our individual homes and buy a 2-up 2-down terraced house together. We will divide the property in half so we have a floor each.

The Fourth Presenter

I am one of four presenters at the artists' Trade conference in Boyle. I am very nervous about it.
The first artist is a young confident man. His notes are organised and complex but he seems remote.
The second is a woman who is anxiously stacking piles of cards up on her desk.
I am the third. Totally unprepared. Doing something about a drawing massage exercise. I am asked by the facilitator what would your massage fantasy be? I'm a bit thrown and say something awkward back.
As I drew this dream I became conscious of the presence of an invisible fourth person next to me. There is real strength there and he is the core of this dream.

Trapped Wind

On my pushbike in between buses waiting for the traffic to shift. There is no movement.

(I have trapped wind - very painful.)

Fighting My Way Out Of A Dream

"Can you tell your builders not to leave such a mess in my garden, " I say to one of the workmen. The head builder, a huge man in his 50's , emerges blocking my way. He punches me and then empties a box of screws and nails on my neat tiered garden. "Just leave it!" I shout backing away. My only exit is through the flat upstairs where the men are working. I push my way past a dozen aggressive workmen. I know I have to wake up to get to work but more people pour in through the front door so it becomes harder to leave. Eventually I get out and wake up.

Precarious Exit

I have been trying to get downstairs at Camberwell Art College, taking my usual route through tiny windows. I decide it is too precarious this time and am advised to use the fire escape caked in pigeon shit. I am going up rather than down. I climb higher and higher into forbidden rooms - through the head's empty office. Here the chequered marble steps grow narrower leading into Russian style copulas until they are impossible to squeeze through. I race back down skating over the stairs to avoid contact with any official. Once outside I gaze up at the hundreds of complex towers and spires and crazy rocket launch pads.

Learning Disabilities Workshop

I recognise few of the learning disabled group in the large hall. Areas have been set aside on three long trestle tables for hair brushing, makeup and clothes making. I make a brief announcement asking everyone to make their way to the clothes stall. One man stands up and chants some kind of grace which annoys me a bit. The group collect their clothes which I notice are predominantly drawings rather than real garments. Some of the drawings are very beautiful.

Jonathan Aitken On My Bed

I have just spent some time with a group of women sorting through a collection of music. Singing to myself, I return home to my loft apartment in a big house. Jonathan Aitken is reading on my bed. He has been playing the piano and makes some comment about the song I was singing. I am impressed he knows it so well.